Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Holiday Eating Tips

I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't stop and take a deep breath and offer up the following Holiday Eating Tips. Many of you have read these before but with so much going on in everyone's lives these days, I thought it was my duty and my honor to bring these time honored tips to my friends in the blogosphere.


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory, celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Have a Great Holiday Season!!!


Jessica@Foodmayhem said...


gunnyPink said...

You continue to amaze me with your well rounded attitude.
Love your recipes, and truly enjoy reading your non recipe blogs.
Have a Merry Christmas and a safe new years.

Shawn said...

Love the holiday eating tips. I would love to share these on my blog, with your permission of course, if you don't mind.

Merry Christmas

gigi said...

I LOVE IT!! What a great blog face lift you got! So sassy, you go girl.

As for the holiday tips they are priceless. I must copy them off and past on the refrige!

MissGreenTea said...

Love the tips - I will also be posting these on my fridge :)

Peter M said...

Katherine, you are my new hero...where ya been all this time?

Meet me in the back...I have booze and Pork rinds. ;)

Katherine Aucoin said...

Everyone...it's the holidays, please post them everywhere; we have to maintain holiday decorum!

Pete, I'll bring dessert...sour cream and fried butter ok? ;-)

April said...

I LOVED this! I love your new layout too!!

Debbie said...

Oh that was great!!! I will position myself right near all the good sweets at the buffet table...and then I will waddle out the door!!!!! (I will of course have a stash hidden on me too!).

Dawn said...

Awesome tips! Isn't that the truth though? I loved all of this.

"...run away from the carrot stick...get the rum balls..."

Reeni said...

That is too funny!!! I love your new look! I gave mine a makeover today, too and my post today is kind of the opposite of yours!

Darius T. Williams said...

LOL - I love these tips - love love love them!


Lisa said...

I love your tips! Fruitcake...blech!

Susan said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



The Blonde Duck said...

Love the new look! You forgot to include, "Hide all pies from the Blond Duck."

Mary said...

You've made the world safer for humanity with your holiday eating tips! Well done and Happy Holidays.

TavoLini said...

Hahahaha---I love this post!! And I'd just started to get worried that I haven't exercised in a week. Bah! Who cares :)

Michele said...

but I love fruitcake! Can I just have a little and not break your rules? :-)

Pam said...

Last year, I planted myself in front of an olive tapenade, and didn't leave until I couldn't stand another bite.

lagirl said...

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Amen, Sister!
Preach on!!

Megan said...

great tips and a great makeover. :)

Natashya said...

Words to live by!