Friday, December 4, 2009

Holiday Eating Tips Revisited

The staff at the Cafe' threatened strongly urged me to dust off this little chestnut and throw it out in the blogosphere again for your reading pleasure. This was originally posted on December 9, 2008 from an email I received.

Please ignore heed these tips!




I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't stop and take a deep breath and offer up the following Holiday Eating Tips. Many of you have read these before but with so much going on in everyone's lives these days, I thought it was my duty and my honor to bring these time honored tips to my friends in the blogosphere.



HOLIDAY EATING TIPS -
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory, celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"


Have a Great Holiday Season!!!




24 comments:

buffalodick said...

Best post you have ever written! I loved it- summed up my Life's philosophy perfectly!

The Blonde Duck said...

#3 and #8 are my mottos in life.

Mary said...

Thank God! I'd be lost without this :-). Have a great day, Katherine

Lea Ann said...

Love this!!! Great stuff and I'm going to forward this to everyone I know!

My Carolina Kitchen said...

What a darling post Katherine. I laughed all the way through. My philosophy exactly.
Sam

Lucy said...

I'm gonna print this & keep it posted on the refrig!!! LOL!!!!!!!!

A Year on the Grill said...

UHHHHHHHH... all but the exercise... Eat like you want, but maintain... sorry to spoil teh fun, but my ass has it's own zip code lately and I have dropped a bit, not gonna put it back on.

Enjoy everything... in moderation and exercise

Helene said...

What a great post. I usually enjoy everything during the Holidays.

The Japanese Redneck said...

Sounds like some pretty good tips to me.

Have a great weekend.

Katy ~ said...

This post makes me laugh out loud. It's so outrageously funny!

Lynda said...

This is so funny...amen to the gravy and pie!

Fresh Local and Best said...

This is hilarious, I should send it to my mother-in-law so she an start cooking with real cream and sugar.

Chef E said...

RULES I live by! I am LMAO, and in the floor... Great post!

teresa said...

oh this made me laugh out loud! i LOOOVE those tips! i plan to live by them!

Selba said...

HAHAHAHA.... I can't stop laughing now! Seriously this is the funniest post I've read in this year!

Thanks for sharing it with us, Katherine :)

Pam said...

Great post!! These are my kind of tips. ;)

5 Star Foodie said...

Fun write-up, made the end of my day :), it's awesome!

Ann said...

came via Gigi's site. I love your red stiletto shoes. Only at dinner, my husband asked if I ever wore high heel shoes. He meant stiletto shoes . I said, yes, long time ago.

I like how you cook with your children. I do it with my 13 year old son, and he likes making choc squares. No need to bake.

lisaiscooking said...

This is great! I love this advice.

Claudia said...

Amen! Life is short enough. Enjoy the good stuff!

Marguerite said...

Hilarious! Great tips for the holidays, cher. Have a great weekend!

~ ~ Ahrisha ~ ~ said...

Love your blog how is it that I've missed visiting you? It's very nice to meet you. Speaking of pie, I've just posted my famous Apple Pie recipe. Stop by for a look.
~ ~Ahrisha~ ~

Cinnamon-Girl Reeni♥ said...

How funny! I can't pick a favorite I'm going to strive to do them all!

TavoLini said...

hahahaha--I thought of Blonde Duck with the pie tip ;)

I also station myself next to my favorite food..